Monday, 7 May 2012

Loneliness is a four letter word

Maybe it’s because I’ve been pretty lax on my medication lately, or maybe it’s because I’ve been listening to far too much Angus and Julia Stone, but this weekend just gone was by far the loneliest for a long time. I literally did not say a word yesterday, saw exactly one person when I looked out onto the street from my balcony. I found out on the Friday that I am going to be made redundant at the end of June (38 days and counting!), and since then there has been this mounting restlessness. When you have a shock or a big event, you want a partner, someone who will sit there and talk about it in endless circles, until you figure it out. I know I have friends who would say that they are there for me, but it’s not the same thing talking to a friend as talking to a lover. So I wrote a poem, as a way to express the vacancy in my heart, and take my mind off the fact that I will be unemployed very soon.

Loneliness is a Four Letter Word

Hot shoe shuffle under the sheets
Turn your head so the tears don’t pool
I wish I wish
Someone was here to swim through the pain

Stone cold crawl out to the couch
Turn your mind so the emptiness fades
I want I want
Someone to scrub out the silence and fawn


Loneliness is a four letter word
Turning against your precarious soul
It morphs it morphs
Into hatred of the self


  1. Oh Mel, beautiful, beautiful poem. I may be a very long way away right now but I care. Friends will always be there but I agree; there is a difference between having a friend to talk to and a partner with whom you can share difficult times. Losing your job is one of the most difficult life experiences; second only, in my opinion to being forced out of your home. It can be very difficult to reconcile other peoples ‘pragmatism’ (cost cuts, changed arrangements) with circumstances that leave you feeling marooned and alone. To as insult to injury, these are usually the times when our genius society decides that we should behave like good post-feminist subjects and rely on our own emotional and financial resources.
    It takes enormous courage to come forward and say I’m not ok or I’m coping but only just. During the dark days, the best thing I have found has been talking it out and strangely, my mum is usually the one person I can turn to. I know your mum hasn’t been well so maybe that isn’t the best approach for you but there are always people to turn to. Finally, (and I’m not trying to sound ‘clever’ by saying this) but the loneliest I have ever been in my life was during the last six months of a relationship – I felt like as I had a partner I should have had someone to turn to, but he wasn’t interested in me or my hopes and fears; he made me feel boring, fat and inadequate – yes there is actually a boy who I dated who felt that being a size 8-10 made me a ‘fat’ person. I think in retrospect he was just voicing inner contempt in the most convenient language available. Anyway, the point is don’t give up or feel like you need to wear the brave face all the time. People are here x We may not have any answers but we can always listen x

  2. Thanks so much for your kind words Gill. You need an ear more than I do, I'm sure lots of what is happening in your life, not necessarily good or bad, just confusing, and you would need to talk through it to sort it out. Always here for you- email me :)

    Oh, and if I ever meet this man that you have told me about here and before, Hannibal Lecter couldn't be prouder of a more heinous death. Not really, I wouldn't waste my time on such people. xoxo